Spurious correlations: Is Donald Trump a space cat from Thuban 9?

By: Margaret Sharp

This week’s breaking news conspiracy: is Donald Trump a space cat from Thuban 9?

Currently there are a bazillion cat videos on the internet. On YouTube alone, there were 2 million uploads and 25 million views of cat videos by 2014 (it is safe to assume that humanity did not lose its interest in LOLs on January 1, 2015). Our furry overlords, not content with their ubiquitous presence online, have decided the time is ripe for true world domination.

Not convinced? Consider for a moment the mounting historical and anecdotal evidence.

When the cat aliens arrived around 3500 BC they were immediately worshiped by the ancient Egyptians. Our cunning kitties realized that they had it made. However, over the years feline influence began to wane. Their once superior technology was lost over centuries of adulation and indulgence. Early attempts to regain power through video and television were unsuccessful. Then in 1989 with the first toddling steps of commercial internet, the stage was set for a resurgence of feline supremacy.

It wasn’t long however, before the media caught wind of this clandestine cat quest. Disquieted perhaps by their petulant behavior and obsession for knocking objects off countertops, the media began reporting on the unusual dominance of cats on the internet. A range of articles raised the alarm on a variety of topics; from a coordinated fluffy media presence to the demotion of dogs to America’s second favorite animal.

Angered that their plan was being leaked, the cats decided to employ a more nuclear option. They needed to get an operative on the inside, at the highest reaches of government. And so the candidacy of Donald Trump was born. Not convinced? The News Conspiracy has done extensive research on the relationship between Cats and Donald Trump.

Both cats and DT:

  1. Have short attention spans
  2. Are picky eaters
  3. Are bad at handshakes

  4. Image via GIPHY

  5. Have a strained relationship with dogs
  6. Have a poor history with tax returns
  7. Are obsessed with moving objects

  8. Image via GIPHY

  9. Have a lot of Russian friends
  10. But can be jerks

  11. Image via GIPHY

  12. Are often orange
  13. Spend a lot of time in the sandbox
  14. Are distracted by shiny objects
  15. Are prone to mood swings
  16. Tear through the house at 3am like they are being perused by aliens, dog aliens, ghost dog aliens…. Or, just tweet… and tweet… and tweet…

This isn’t the first feline foray into the White House; Lincoln set the precedence early on, with up to four cats in residence. at the White House. But, with so much on the line, we at the News Conspiracy are unsure why the mainstream media isn’t broadcasting these disturbing revelations. Then again, cats have been working tirelessly to discredit the brave reporting by the media, popping out of the bushes to offer alternative facts.

Until next time – and remember, the truth is out there.

Bad Donald! No, kitty!

About The Author

Bio nerd (can you say vampire snails? They are real, and cool), tech writer by day, and conspiracy satirist by night. A dog-walking, rugby-playing, California native, I live in the PNW, and enjoy traveling, swimming, coaching, being the crazy aunty, and exploring the outdoors.

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