Alternative History Facts: Remembering Lt Col Donald Armstrong Trump

By: Patrick W. Zimmerman

Not a fan of inconvenient truths? Then welcome to Alternative History Facts, where we highlight The Real StoriesTM that the fake news media doesn’t want you to know about. It is our opinion that they happened, which constitutes valid evidence on the Internet.

Additionally, in order to not impose politically correct attention spans on people, we are keeping these Alternative History Facts to one page. In honor of the man who is going to Make America Great Again, these facts are presented with bullet points.

Introducing the Forgotten Hero, Lieutenant Colonel Donald Armstrong Trump, 7th Cavalry!

Brevet Maj. General Donald Armstrong Trump
In Brevet Major General’s uniform after leading the Union to victory in the Civil War.

7 things the Lying Historians don’t want you to know!

  • No soldier in the history of history has, and we say this with great surety, has been treated worse or more unfairly.
  • Hero of the Battle of the Little Big Horn. Would have won the body count if not for 1500-5000 illegal native participants.
  • Made America Great the 1st time.
  • Fired Major Janet Reno after history of connections with Russian fur trading interests was revealed.
  • Made sure his many fans on the East Coast got the Real Story direct from the source with his frequent letters published in major newspapers.
  • No one was tougher on illegal native immigration into newly acquired United States territory.
  • The chief strategist behind the River of Blood campaign, the critical turning point of the Civil War. Grant stole the credit as part of a deep state conspiracy to marginalize Trump and start his own political career.

What’s next?

Why stop with history? The people demand their surreality, and while we can’t compete with titans of the genre like Badass of the Week, we aim to please!

Stay tuned for more Alternative History Facts, along with Alternative Climatology, Alternative Biology, Alternative Diplomacy, and (one of our personal favorites) Alternative Economics!

This has been an episode of Alternative Facts: Embracing Truthiness since 1478.

About The Author

Architeuthis Rex, a man of (little) wealth and (questionable) taste. Historian and anthropologist interested in identity, regionalism / nationalism, mass culture, and the social and political contexts in which they exist. Earned Ph.D. in social and cultural History with a concentration in anthropology from Carnegie Mellon University and then (mostly) fled academia to write things that more than 10 other people will actually read. Driven to pursue a doctorate to try and answer the question, "Why do they all hate each other?" — still working on it. Plays beer-league hockey, softball, and soccer. Professional toddler wrangler. Likes dogs, good booze, food, and horribly awesome kung-fu movies.

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