Press Release – No octopus involved in Staten Island Ferry Disaster of 1963

By: Edward and Edith the Edifying Octopi

We, Edward and Edith the Edifying Octopi, would like to issue a statement categorically denying the vicious rumors that have been flying around about our family. Specifically, that on November 22, 1963, a large cephalopod did drag the Staten Island Ferry down to its watery doom, munching on 400 innocent and savory bipedal landcreatures.

We would like to re-iterate that no hard evidence whatsoever has ever come to light supporting this claim, and that this type of institutionally-backed accusation impugns and besmirches the honor and reputation of all aquatic gastropods in a most heinous, malicious, and injurious way. This kind of public speech, if unchallenged, will increase the risk of anti-invertebrate hate crimes such as the kind that so frequently victimize the arachnid community.

We swear and aver that, to the best of our knowledge, none of us nor any of our kin took any part in the consumption of a single ferry passenger. Neither do we have any credible evidence to suggest that the ferry was then ridden down the continental slope to the Grand Banks with the nefarious evildoers riding on top and screaming like Slim Pickens astride a bomb. This is nothing more than unsubstantiated and libelous mudslinging by the enemies of octopusdom. Even Uncle Cthulhu could never have done such a thing. That was the day of his Battleship tournament against Gojira, in Guam.

None of us would ever seek to harm landcreatures, despite their crunchy, salty flavor and tendency to dump noxious chemicals in our water.

Because that would be wrong.

In an unrelated note, due to the imminent and credible threat of hacking by Russian agents, all of the Octopi family records have been sealed in a vault at the bottom of the Marianas Trench and buried under particularly radioactive pieces of the USS Independence for a period of no less than 150 years.

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